Hello! It’s been forever since I posted, but here we are. If this were a regular blog, I’d attempt to ply you with stories and grievances that explain my absence. I would regale you with my adventures with frost giants, Wills-o’th’wisp, and other good people. What does it matter, though? Let’s get to the meat of it!

Let’s look at a movie I recently watched for the first time. It seems like everyone else I know has already seen Berry Gordy’s The Last Dragon, but it was new to me. Here, you’ll get the pristine reactions of my first viewing, fresh as the plastic film in one of Garret’s unboxing videos.

Normally, I wouldn’t write about this flick because it isn’t a kung fu movie. This is an exception, though, because it tries so hard to be a kung fu movie. It’s evident just from the opening sequence that the powers in charge of this movie (presumably Berry Gordy?) were big fans of the old Shaw Bros. classics. During the opening credits, we see our main character doing shirtless punches and kicks, a la Gordon Liu in The 36th Chamber and most of his other films. If you look closely, though, you’ll observe that occasionally our star glows with yellow video effects. If I stopped here, you would already have the flavor of this peculiar cinematic experience.

Some of our stars, in order of current Hollywood recognition, are:

• William H. Macy (Yes, that William H. Macy, though he only gets a cameo.)
• Julius Carry (I hope you remember him from The Adventures of Brisco County, Jr.)
• Vanity (Prince was apparently her mentor. Anyway, she was in Action Jackson and an episode of Highlander.)
• Taimak (You might remember him from not a damn thing else. He’s our eponymous hero.)

Essentially, Taimak plays a kung fu enthusiast nicknamed Bruce Leroy. He seeks the final teaching that will make him a great kung fu master. He has hardworking parents and a streetwise, smart aleck younger brother. He gets teased because he’s a weirdo who dresses like this and who wears one of those conical, Chinese straw hats. He gets challenged by Sho’nuff the Shogun of Harlem, played by Carry. Sho’nuff is the real star, as far as I’m concerned. Anyone who can simultaneous sport an afro and a samurai topknot while looking that good has my respect.  (See above picture.)

In between silly fight sequences, there is a romance between Taimak and Vanity. I forget what her character’s name is. It really isn’t important. We also get to see a music video for DeBarge’s “Rhythm of the Night.” Most of the other music is themed to help tell the story in very explicit ways. For instance, when the singer starts talking about the “power of the glow,” people start glowing.

Still, there is one pretty good scene. In a surprising moment of what I think is pretty reasonable acting, Faith Prince tells off her crook boyfriend. It’s a big scene. They talk about her tits. You can’t miss it.

This flick is a really nice illustration of the way people used to get confused about martial arts. Bruce Leroy’s students practice “Chinese goju-ryu,” which is odd because goju-ryu isn’t Chinese. Sho’nuff uses a Japanese title and quasi-Japanese outfits, but claims to do kung fu. Doing martial arts enough seems to give people magic powers. Nowadays, martial arts in pop culture is all MMA and UFC stuff. Back before Helio Gracie and Dana White got big, though, people thought karate could make you dodge bullets and shoot lightning from your fingers. It was a simpler, stupider time.

Anyway, that’s a rant for a different blog. If you enjoy cultural experiences similar to Troll 2, Blank Man, or any of the Karate Kid sequels, you’ll happily laugh your way through this one.