What?! Haiku? Yes. BEGIN:

Garret’s Haiku

Hey, February,
thank you for eating up so
many syllables.

Dear Taylor A. Swift,
Christ girl, you can’t carry a
tune in a bucket.

I think I might start
karate soon. Cobra Kai
never dies; believe.

Why does Snoop Dog use
an umbrella? Wait for it…
Wait…wait…FO’DRIZZLE.

Dear Mass Effect 2,
Thanks for allowing me to
bang hot aliens.

Andrew’s Haiku

Gimme that Christian
side hug, unless of course you
have nice girl boobies.

I’m a rough rider.
We don’t fill up with Christ’s love.
Mostly, we use booze.

If you really want
to have strong karate, then
you will sweep the leg.

How does Diddy keep
his whites so white? You give up?
He uses bleotch.

Christian Side Hug haiku is referenced from this: